"my wife's emotional connection with her new man", estratto da un forum poly

My wife has recently met a guy and has fallen in love with him. I am genuinely happy for her.

What I am finding most painful though is that I can sense that she is more open emotionally and is more excited about seeing him than she is me. She has even said so herself. She is aware that she is much more open to him during lovemaking that she is with me where she is a little guarded and protecting. This is due to the 6 painful years it has taken us to reach this place of opening our marriage. Whereas with her new man there is no painful past. Of course there is also NRE, but this goes deeper than that...

Everytime I know they are together I am finding it painful because I know how open and excited she is, and I know how difficult she finds it to be so open to me. I am hopeful that this openness will swing my way over time...

Any suggestions on how to best deal with this kind of pain?

Thanks...

I think you are adding meaning to what you see and are assuming a lot. It's NRE. Stop asking her about her lovemaking with him and how differently she feels; let her manage that relationship separately and have some privacy. She's probably as open and excited with him as he is with her; how open are you when you're with her? How excited are you to be with her? Have you romanced her lately? Stop comparing yourself and your perceptions of your wife's responses with anyone or anything else. You two need to keep working on your relationship and, if you're really not ready for this, perhaps she should slow down or scale back in being with the other guy.

"do" or "do not." There is no such thing as try. If you are sitting right now, try standing up. Go ahead, try it... wait if you stood up, you didn't try - you stood up! You're either sitting or standing, not trying to do one or the other. In other words, there are no half measures. Poly isn't something you try; it is something you can embrace and immerse yourself in, something you live, but how do you try polyamory when there are other people and their hearts involved? Either you're all in, or you're out, my friend. That is not to say that you can't slow the pace or take small steps.

Keep talking and give her time. One of the things my "wooing" of my girlfriends has taught me is to be cognizant of my relationship with my wife. Once I got past a certain zealous moment, I was able to see that I had been taking her for granted and stopped romancing her and doing the little things that came so naturally in the new relationships. I began applying that to my marriage as well, it began to improve as well!!

I think something else you have to keep in mind is that your marriage in its previous mono state was situated in religious waters; this may have had an effect on her being open towards you or trying to process the already established relationship differently.

I wouldn't sweat it too much. It will pass. NRE makes a person think that rainbows shine out of the ass of the one they are in love with until such time as they start getting annoyed that they leave their socks on the living room floor just like you do...
Keep breathing, try and laugh it off and spend that lack of sexy time masturbating more... be your best primary and take care of you so that when she comes home you are on your game and the amazing person she loves.
I was in the same situation that she is in now about three years ago. The above comes from experience. It was what got us through, maybe it will you too